Sunday, May 09, 2004

How To Tell If You Are Practicing in Front of a Bad Appellate Judge: Recently, Ken Lammers, who did not follow the same career path as myself, but seems to do all sorts of wacky things involving people that require appellate representation, posted a list of ways to tell that you have a bad lawyer here.

This list was no way related to the list that David Letterman wrote. However, I noticed that some people thought it was funny, and rather than raving about my blog, they posted a link to it here and here.

Therefore, I am going to give you my list of “How To Tell If You Are Practicing in Front of a Bad Appellate Judge.”

1. He works for a court in a circuit not evenly divisible by three.

2. He was once rumored to say that answering 20 questions on the internet seems like a rather silly idea for someone who was nominated by the president, confirmed by Congress, has life tenure, and will have anything they write published anyay.

3. He looks down from the podium to say “Sorry, I don’t have a subscription to the online version of the LA Times, so you will have to tell me what it said, rather than spelling out a 250-letter ‘url’.”

4. Does not express an opinion as to whether unpublished opinions can be cited or not.

5. Did not go to one of my alma matters. (The odds of this are very rare, because, in five years I will have attended every law school in the country.)

6. Defends decision on right to privacy by saying here, "There are countries where you can go and suck away for all you are worth... People in high places do it for all they're worth. I'm not an expert, but you read about it in the papers. But this is Asia." Does not drop footnote that Asians seem to have lots of oral sex with lots of people (including people who should not be having sex at all) here and here.

7. Has robe made completely of black silk. There is no yellow-stripe running down the right side with list of blogs stenciled onto it.

8. Thinks bobble-heads are not only stupid, but does not even understand if they are a form of derisive parody or homage.

9. Thinks that “The Green Bag” is a racial slur.

10. Asks “Howard who?”

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