Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Appellate Column
How to be like Me.

I get a lot of inquiries from law students, law clerks, lawyers, judges, and Supreme Court justices asking how to be like me. This, my latest appellate column, is written in response to those inquiries.

First, you must go to a first-rate law school. Although my alma matter is currently among the Top 23 in the country, when I went it must have been ranked much higher. Second, allow yourself to be honored by America’s other fine law schools. I have spoken at Harvard Law School and my truly outstanding legal web log is hosted by Legal Affairs Magazine, a publication of Yale Law School. These honors are especially fitting, as I have always thought of myself as an Ivy League Man.

Second, clerk for an elite federal judge, preferably a Supreme Court Justice. Should you be able to obtain an offer from a Supreme Court Justice, you are welcome to decline and then apply to work for me as a Research Assistant. This position, called a Bashman Fellowship, recently displaced the Bristow Fellowship in terms of prestigue and is often referred to as an opportunity to clerk for the Tenth Justice, who is also known as being First Among Equals.

Third, work for the nation’s top law firm. While others labored in obscurity at such low-brow firms as Williams & Connolly and the Office of the Solicitor General, I worked on cutting-edge insurance defense issues for Buchanan Ingersoll in the City of Brotherly Love. Now I work for the No. 1 appellate practice firm in the country, hjbashman.blogspot.com, which recently took these honors from BI.

Fourth, be prepared to accept honoria from your colleagues. I chaired the appellate courts section of Philidelphia’s Bar Association. Philie’s appellate litigators are the very best in the country having displaced Washington, D.C. under my leadership.

Fifth, read How Appealling daily. You must also engross yourself in my Appellate Columns. It is widely known that my truly outstanding legal web log and Appellate Columns, along with the Rules of the Supreme Court, are known among Supreme Court advocates as the Bible of the Supreme Court.

Sixth, do not shun your success. Do not be afraid of calling – and allowing others to call – yourself number 1. The internet is a wonderul forum with which to promote yourself. After all, before How Appealling, no one used the names Seth Waxman, Migeul Estrada, General Olson, Ken Starr, and Howard Bashman in the same breath. With due hard work and diligence, you too could join this elite club. Or maybe not (see infra).

Finally, you must get lucky. I recognize that most of you can never be me, or even like me. But you might get lucky. You do not need to look for free porn on the internet to get lucky. You can get lucky in other ways than looking for the free Paris Hilton video.

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