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Wednesday, May 05, 2004

The Appalling Mailbag

A reader writes in to me to say,

Dear Howard:

Why don’t you pre-screen judges for your wonderful “20 questions” page. That judge from some state that begins with an M was like totally lame.

Sincerely,

I-only-practice-in-Federal-Courts


What a brilliant idea! Are you interested in being my turning down that offer for a Bristow fellowship and working as my research assistant? I will be sending out the following letter to all judges who, serve as appellate judges. This includes trial court state and federal trial court judges who sit by designation on appellate courts or sit on courts whose jurisdiction includes administrative appeals.

How Appalling Judicial Screening Questionnaire
(This is not political. It is only to tell if you are qualified. Be as honest as possible about how you would answer questions if you were selected for the honor of answering questions on How Appalling.)

1. In 500 words or less why do you think my blog is great?
2. Tell me why you deserve to be on 20 questions. Explain this in the context of how interesting it is that the Virgin Islands are in the Third Circuit?
3. Why are you not on the Third Circuit? If you happen to be on the Third Circuit, why am I not on the Third Circuit? Be brutally honest.
4. What is your clerk’s sock on Greedy Clerks?
5. How many times per day do you read How Appalling? This question is to test your knowledge of How Appalling and style at explaining how my blog is wonderful.
6. Fill in the blanks: ___ is sexy; ___ is sexier.
7. In 30 seconds, create as many neat puns about Manuel Miranda as possible. I am looking for quality.
8. Do you enjoy reading How Appalling to your children and grandchildren? They like it, right?
9. Since you have been accused many time of being a judicial activist, what do you have to say to people who accused you of being a judicial activist?
10. How much time per day do you spend thinking about that letter you got from Kozinski regarding certain changes to the Federal Rules of Appellate Procedure?


Your answers will be treated with the utmost confidentiality. I get roughly 500 applications per day to be questioned by me, on How Appalling. In short, the chances of being selected are very small. Being a reject is not a reflection on your personal character, but rather on the qualifications of the other judges who have been selected. If you are not selected, I ask that you continue reading How Appalling, and wait at least a year before submitting again. During that year, you are expected to make yourself MORE interesting.


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